Being Judgmental (and Dishonest)


The internet was supposed to help bring people together, at least that was what I kept hearing when it was new. Social media platforms were supposed to bring people together. I never did the Myspace thing and I have had a Facebook account for only a few years. I find it interesting that Facebook calls it “friending” someone. How can you be friends with someone you’ve never interacted with? How can you have thousands of friends? At least Twitter calls it “following” a person. You follow along with what they are willing to share through that platform.


My first experience with using the internet to do more than have a personal website to put up your ideas, was Yahoo Groups. I just looked up their histories and found this would have been at the time Myspace and Facebook were getting started. I don’t know if they saw what Yahoo was doing or if already established Yahoo saw what social media was starting up and tried to do something with their large amount of resources. People were starting to take on a persona online that didn’t necessarily match what they were like in person. Though that was happening enough already that we were being cautious about people until we felt we knew them, it wasn’t so bad that you couldn’t get to know them.


My first discussions with people about non-monogamous lifestyles happened on Yahoo Groups. That history is recounted on the “About Me” page of this website. As a result of some misunderstandings with my wife, we spent many years being very isolated. Feelings boiled over a few years ago and I started looking online for what had become of that online community I had experienced all those years before. I found things very different. I did come across something I hadn’t heard of before, hotwife/cuckold. My online search was looking for keywords that I thought would find people like those I had encountered before. I never expected something like this. The one hotwife/cuckold couple my search showed me was on Twitter. The one swinger couple that met my search criteria, was on Twitter. I finally joined Twitter to read more of what they were sharing and perhaps get to interact with them. I was not planning on trying to get my wife to become a hotwife. I must admit, that couple taught me more about what is needed for any relationship, be it monogamous, ethically non-monogamous, or monogamish. I was finding that the “mainstream” society around me was actually promoting ideas that would keep good relationships from happening by being judgmental in their promotion of monogamy


I have continued to look at what I can find online about non-monogamous lifestyles as I have learned swinging and polyamory aren’t the only forms that are out there. That hotwife/cuckold couple were also sadomasochists which got me looking more in depth at the kink world. I am finding the various groups have people that are just as judgmental as that mainstream monogamous society I live in. They may live an alternative to that mainstream monogamous lifestyle, but they are just as judgmental, bigoted, closed-minded as what I wanted out of. They are not sex-positive.


So why have this blog and this post? I could keep exploring what is online without sharing it. That may be my “kink” as I feel I must put what I know out there for others to learn from. I don’t usually try to have an agenda along with that but on here I do try to promote being sex-positive. I have been reading about the Puritan movement in England in the time around their civil wars. One point they argued between themselves to the point the people in the middle had to take sides. The middle disappeared so the movement disappeared. I admit to a bit of confirmation bias here. I have been concerned that the middle class in America is disappearing. I’m concerned that the political middle is not speaking up and being heard. Reading this about the Puritan movement has confirmed why I’m concerned. I’m afraid this destruction of the middle could mean the destruction of the economy or the destruction of the nation itself.


I may have strong enough feelings about sex-positive to promote it, as I think the discussion of sexuality is still looking for its middle. I’m not talking about a middle ground of practice, but a middle ground of attitude towards those that have different practices. Just like we need a middle ground where skin color is economically and socially unimportant.


My wife is no longer interested in non-monogamy but I still find I am interested. I have a sort of hall pass to explore it a bit. I have tried to find places to meet people who are willing to share and honor the restrictions on my hall pass. On some of the sites I’ve joined, as the free days of Yahoo Groups are gone, I have people reach out to me. My profile is honest. As soon as they find out what I say there is what I am, I get ghosted. I have reached out to some who seem they may be interested in my situation to get nothing. The few words on a profile on a website must convey everything as people judge you by that little bit. I had one person reach out saying they just wanted to talk online. After just a couple of messages they wanted to change it to meeting and engaging in extreme activities. I didn’t say no, I just said I wouldn’t jump that far that fast as it was beyond my hall pass. I did say even though meeting was beyond the original suggestions they made, I would be willing to meet in a public place to talk and see if I wanted to ask my wife to change the terms of the hall pass. Bam, I got ghosted.


That hotwife/cuckold couple that got me exploring again are no longer on Twitter. Apparently someone figured out who they are and caused problems professionally for them. Another Twitter user who has contact with them in real life has passed along that they still enjoy the lifestyle they were living, they just keep it more private now in a different part of the country. That particular Twitter user recently ranted about another hotwife going through something similar as some judgmental jerk started causing problems.


The only way to protect the middle of the economy is to keep from having any extreme economic model from being what is setting policy. The only way to find a middle ground on everyone having a good chance at moving forward in life is for us to be socially and economically color blind. The only way to let people be true to themselves is to not be judgmental of sexual orientation or the ways people choose to express their orientation. One of the biggest challenges to that is when those that are striving for those middle grounds are faced with dishonesty from those they think are striving for the same goal. The situation the Puritans faced destroyed them politically. If those trying to break out of a one size fits all view of sexuality are met with dishonesty and disrespect within the communities to the point they are as judgmental as the extremists, our society is doomed to never find that middle ground where sexual expression can be a beautiful and fun experience for more than a few who find a way to be free of unreasonable inhibitions.

©2018 Michael Yocom 

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