A few days ago I saw some comments on a platform for swingers. I don’t remember if it was a subreddit or a forum on another platform. I do remember it wasn’t Twitter. The author stated they didn’t see swinging as doing the same things they do with their spouse, just with different people. They saw swinging as a chance to explore new aspects of their sexuality. Whether it is exploring something new to you but old to others, as symbolized by the sailing ship, or something totally new, as symbolized by the spaceship, there can be great excitement, but also danger in exploring.
I was followed on Twitter by a blog at Lets 50. They seem to have similar goals to mine, but since it is a different person writing the posts, it is a different point of view. I really like finding different points of view on most topics. I learn more that way. Lets 50 has a post about older women having one night stands with younger men, about why senior men should date senior women, about swinger lifestyle for seniors, etc. It seems Lets 50 is exploring many aspects of sexuality with a focus on seniors. Why would seniors need things like that blog and mine focused on them?
Let’s face it, for those 50 and above it is a mixed bag as to whether they had any real education about sex in school. And this will continue as some states get even less now. I don’t remember if I’ve said this on the blog before, but I know I’ve said in some places, that the sex ed kids in my neighborhood get amounts to “you must abstain from certain activities.” When the students ask what activities, the answer is “we can’t talk about them.” So we seniors have gone through a large portion of the typical life time with limited knowledge. Yet our lifetimes are getting longer. Are we to avoid learning? I think not. I think life is to explore and learn. I’ve found it can get very boring with nothing new.
So should I take the advice of the swingers mentioned in the first paragraph and find people to do things my wife and I haven’t tried? Should we maybe be more like some of the comments they received and just do what we do together but with different people? Should we be like another couple who said people tell them they are a different kind of swingers as they make friends rather than sort of one night stands as a couple? Should we be doing things like I read about called polyamory? (I remember, more than a decade ago, reading the thoughts of the woman who is credited with first using that term. I have read that she used many different names but most of them included Morning Glory. I even contributed a bit to help her pay medical expenses when fighting cancer about 5 or 6 years ago.) In the past few years I’ve not been reading as much about polyamory but more about non-monogamy vs. monogamy. If I want to explore, what are my choices?
So many questions. Let me tell you why I ask so many in this post. There are so many things to explore in life, and in this post I’m just talking so far about different styles of heterosexual activities and relationships. I haven’t even touched on adult play that includes things like bondage. Bondage can be heterosexual interactions, homosexual interactions. asexual interactions, etc. If you want bondage to include sexual activity it can be in the setting of a monogamous relationship, as part of swinger play, or many other possibilities. The possibilities can probably take more than a life time to experience.
So at the first of this post I hopefully made the point that doing the same thing gets boring. Is monogamy monotonous? Not if you do something to spice it up. That can be as simple as making love in different parts of the house, different times of day, including some bondage or impact play, etc. It can get more and more complex. Is non-monogamy, like swinging, a guarantee that sex will always be exciting? The comments I mentioned before in this post were not the first I came across from people that found just changing partners did not add the spice they were looking for.
The spice many are looking for is a result of exploration. Doing something different that we haven’t done before. It could be my spouse is not comfortable with being tied to the bed but would enjoy the process of having a rope tied in interesting designs on her body. Does this fit the definition of bondage? I think the skills with the rope would be similar either way.
Part of what keeps some of us from exploring is feeling there are certain ways and certain rules for whatever we want to explore. Part of that exploration would be learning the etiquette and language for an activity if we are participating with others, whether one or two others, or a community of others. If we are truly exploring we need to be willing to ask if some so called rule is a custom or if there is a safety reason we are not aware of to do things that way. You could easily add some exploration spice for those teaching you by asking them good questions.
So, am I an anarchist? Not quite. I do think you need to follow certain basic rules. I think of them as assumptions, like in a logical argument. I firmly try to follow Occam’s razor and keep the rules (assumptions) to a minimum. I think you have to always be concerned about safety, and those involved need to be giving enthusiastic consent.
If you are exploring impact play, or rope play, you need to know what can be done safely. If you are exploring non-monogamous activities, you have to be aware of and taking precautions to minimize the spread of STI’s. You need to love yourself and your partner(s) enough to keep everything safe, even if it doesn’t feel quite as strong, or is a little less convenient.
You need to communicate what your hopes, desires, and fears are for any exploring that is going on. You need to listen to the hopes, desires, and fears of anyone involved in exploring with you and find a way to explore that all can consent to.
Just like the things people do to add spice to their relationships and lives work for some and not for others, there is no guarantee safely consensually exploring whatever you think of, or read about, will always be good experiences, but they shouldn’t be boring. The path to explore whatever with safety and consent should be the best chance of being able to explore for many, many years. You may find some new things that you really enjoy.